sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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