I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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