I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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