Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
