Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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