i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
