If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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