you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
