The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
