Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
false alarm, still single
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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