where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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