I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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