I met the friendliest cop last night
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I can't put those talents on a resume
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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