I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
