My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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