I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
