I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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