he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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