Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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