You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Two words: blizzard sex
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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