hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
