I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
