im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
