Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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