Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
