hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
