No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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