Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Sorry about my life...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
