just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
