Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
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So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
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