I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
is it fun? or sober?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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