My first STD was from a foam party
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Randomize