went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
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currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
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I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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