Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
