If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
