Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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