I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Randomize
