While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
