she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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