So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
ok first of all what the fuck
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
