$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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