Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
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I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
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i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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