My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Are my feet made of real feet?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
