last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
