You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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