I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
