btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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