i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
