I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
