i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
