if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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