I molested 6 butterflies tonight
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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