The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
