there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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