Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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