toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
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